Bowlers blame academy for loss of pace, hair and sex appeal
Jurors deliberated late into the night in Chennai yesterday as they tried to come to a decision on whether or not to penalise coaches at the MRF Pace Academy for alleged malpractice and gross incompetence.
A number of prematurely aged current players and ex-India internationals, all of them medium-pace trundlers in their mid-thirties and forties, have sued several officials, including head coach Dennis Lillee, for malpractice regarding compromised bowling actions and speed levels they say would never have befallen them had they been informed of the risks before joining the clinic.
"Yes, you may not get the hair gel ads where they surround you with beautiful women, but there'll always be Advanced Hair Studios"
According to prosecutors in the case, pace-bowling trainers at the clinic went about taking promising young bowlers with raw pace and "sucking the passion out of their bowling like living marrow from a healthy bone".
As a result of the training received at the clinic, the bowlers allege that, ironically, they suffered a marked decrease in pace, and one of them (Venkatesh Prasad, who understandably wished not to be named in this article) had in fact emerged from the experience a legspinner.
Aside from the main criminal complaint, the bowlers are also suing the clinic for associated collateral damages, including loss of sex appeal, loss of potential increased revenue from advertising had they indeed become fast bowlers of some repute and thereby possessed said sex appeal, a lack of success at being able to "score" with the opposite sex, an inability to justify growing long hair, and, perhaps the worst charge of all - for having irrevocably developed safe, predictable personalities only too happy to sacrifice risk in favour of leading lives of quiet, military-medium desperation.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, another product and former patient of the clinic, Munaf Patel, said he regretted the day he made the decision to join the coaching centre. "Before going there, I had pace, I had swing. I could see fear in the batsman's eyes. Could smell it, even. I mean, just look at some of my old videos on Youtube. It's like I'm a different person. Hell, even I had long hair back then. Look at me now. I bowl wicket to wicket as per what was taught to me, and have all the aggression and vitality of a half-hearted fart that's been locked in an airtight room without sunlight for two weeks straight. Don't even get me started on what's happened to my hair."
Meanwhile the Indian government said it will be appointing a team to look into claims that the so-called pace foundation was in fact a top-secret Australian project to undermine Indian fast-bowling talent. According to reports, the government was faced with a tricky chicken-or-egg scenario, whereby it needed to determine which came first, the academy or the lack of fast-bowling talent in the country, before it could formulate the next step in the investigation.
Chennai's police commissioner JK Tripathy told the court that when his officers broke into Mr Lillee's office to take him into custody, the legend leaned back in his chair, smiled, lit a cigar and said, "Well, looks like the gig is finally up, boys. No use fighting it, you may as well take me in. I've had a good run. Took you long enough to catch on, though, didn't it?"
Assistant coach TA Sekar, who now works with the ironically named Delhi Daredevils, refused to apologise to the velocity-challenged victims, let alone admit to having done anything wrong. "We did what we thought was best," he explained to the court. "When we saw a bowler with promise and raw pace, we immediately told him to adhere to the time-honoured tradition, here in India, of line and length. This was because at the academy we like to think that we build not just strong pace bowlers but strong characters. And there is a lot to be learned from line and length: values such as restraint, mind-numbing perseverance when faced with a distinct lack of success, and, my personal favourite, love."
At this point the court was disrupted when someone in the crowd pushed forward and tried to throw a pie at Mr Lillee. It later turned out the assailant was none other than once-potential Indian fast bowling legend Atul Wassan. Mr Wassan was thwarted in his attempt at getting at his victim by defence attorney Ram Jethmalani, who heroically belied his age by reaching across his client and deflecting the thrown pie. After the commotion subsided, and Mr Wassan was being led away by bailiffs, Lillee could be seen magnanimously appealing to the judge: "Please, let him go. He's just practising what we've taught him."
The case continues.
R Rajkumar hopes that writing about cricket helps justify his watching it as much as he does to the people in his life who wonder where the remote control's disappeared to.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
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