Religious Humour

In keep with the spirit of the "Screen Savior", this brings one to wonder how word processor messages would differ if written by adherents to some different Christian denominations, especially the message seen when quitting before saving work.

Non-sectarian: Do you wish to Save your work?

Roman Catholic: Registry indicates user is Female; only Males are able to Save.

Anglican: Your work may or may not be Saved.

Lutheran: If you don't follow the instruction manual, don't expect your work to be Saved.

Mennonite: Document contains the word "dancing"; it cannot be Saved.

JWs: You are user #144,001; your work cannot be Saved.

Mormon: Could we interest you in Saving your work?

Millenarian: It is almost too late to Save your work.

S. Baptist: If your work was not Saved, it is because you are evil.

TV Preacher: This program has made mistakes in the past, but it will try to Save *this* file.

Born-again: Before Saving your work, this program will erase all existing data; Proceed?

Faith healers: If you believe your work will be Saved, it will be Saved. After that, it all kind of blurs...

Power of Prayer

A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics. After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.
Well, little kids don't always realise that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy." The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.
That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighbourhood and became breakfast. The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence.
But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it. As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top.
That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father."
The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified. Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute.
When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious. He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed. She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"

The Bureaucracy Of Creation

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.
God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell!

What A Chauffeur!

The Pope arrived at Logan airport to attend a major international conference held at the World Trade Center, where he was to give the keynote address. He got into a taxi and asked the taxi driver to drive as quickly as he could so he would arrive on time. But the driver was very slow, so the Pope, in exasperation, finally told the driver to get in the back seat and took the wheel himself. He proceeded to drive 80 miles an hour in an effort to arrive before his speech was to begin.
A policeman stopped the car and asked the Pope for his driver's licence, which he provided. The policeman went back to his cruiser and radioed supervisor. "Boss, we got a big problem. I stopped a car for speeding, and we are dealing with a big enchilada. What should I do?"
"How big?" asked the police captain.
"The biggest you could imagine," replied the patrolman.
"The mayor?" asked the captain.
"Bigger than that" said the patrolman.
"The governor?" asked the captain.
"Bigger than that," replied the patrolman.
"The president of the United States?" cried the captain, in disbelief.
"Bigger than that," said the patrolman.
"Who is this guy???," asked the captain.
"I don't know," replied the patrolman, "but the Pope is his chauffeur."

Careers

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the Lawyer.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

No Room At The Inn

During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

The Gravy Ladle

An elderly priest invited a young priest to dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Children's Letters To God

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot
Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. - Margret
Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Allison
Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy
Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan
Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil
Dear God,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane
Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce
Dear God,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. - Denise
Dear God,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear God,
Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Rob
Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear God,
If You watch me in Church Sunday. I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.
Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So, I bet he stoled Your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Charles